Most Powerful Man in America Meets with Obama for 10/30/2010
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — In an extraordinary edition of "The Daily Show" guaranteed to dominate the headlines for days, the most powerful man in America met last night with Barack Obama. While...
View ArticleCanada Reports Huge Jump in Immigration for 11/06/2010
OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report) — Canadian immigration officials have reported a huge increase in the number of requests for Canadian citizenship in the past 24 hours, with more than 55 million such...
View ArticleSomali Pirates Refuse To Board Carnival Cruise Ships for 11/13/2010
MOGADISHU (The Borowitz Report) — In yet another public relations setback for the beleaguered cruise ship company, Somali pirates today said they would no longer board Carnival Cruise ships, citing...
View ArticleBest Plagiarized Lines from Bush's Book for 11/20/2010
After it emerged that entire sections of George W. Bush's new memoir, "Decision Points," were plagiarized from books by former aides, The Borowitz Report asked our followers on Twitter to come up with...
View ArticleU.S. Orders Diplomats To Stop Telling Truth Until Further Notice for 12/04/2010
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In the first major policy fallout from the WikiLeaks disclosures, the State Department has ordered all U.S. diplomats to "cease and desist telling the truth until...
View ArticleIn Latest Compromise with GOP, Obama Agrees He is a Muslim for 12/11/2010
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In his latest effort to find common ground with Republicans in Congress, President Barack Obama said today that he was willing to agree that he is a Muslim....
View ArticleJulian Assange to Launch Social Network for Diplomats: Twofacebook for...
LONDON (The Borowitz Report) — Moments after being released on bail, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was already making plans for his next venture, a social network for diplomats called Twofacebook....
View ArticleGoldman's Massive Bonuses 'Totally Deserved,' Says Satan for 12/25/2010
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — The gargantuan year-end bonuses paid out to Goldman Sachs executives have received howls of protests from the banking giant's legion of critics, but not from its most...
View ArticlePat Robertson: Snow Is God's Way of Punishing Americans Planning To Drive To...
VIRGINIA BEACH (The Borowitz Report) — Rev. Pat Robertson sparked controversy in today's broadcast of his "700 Club" program when he claimed that God created the blizzard currently battering the...
View ArticleApple Cancels Press Conference on iPhone Alarm Glitch after Steve Jobs...
CUPERTINO (The Borowitz Report) — Apple, Inc. canceled a press conference today to address the glitch plaguing the iPhone's alarm function when company chief Steve Jobs failed to show. "I totally...
View ArticleFox News Reports No Link Between Matches, Gasoline and Fire for 01/15/2011
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — The Fox News Channel today attempted to bust what it called a "mainstream media myth" by reporting that there was no link between matches, gasoline and fire. "Gasoline...
View ArticleHu Presents Obama with Counterfeit DVD of "Toy Story 3" for 01/22/2011
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In a moving White House ceremony today, President Hu Jintao of China presented U.S. President Barack Obama with a counterfeit DVD of the Hollywood blockbuster "Toy...
View ArticleMichele Bachmann Proposes "Don't Add, Don't Spell" for 01/29/2011
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) — In her official tea party response to President Obama's State of the Union address, Rep. Michele Bachmann, R-Minn., offered a bold new policy initiative she called...
View ArticleObama Says He Will Resend Message to Mubarak, This Time in All Caps for...
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Concerned that Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak did not receive his message to begin a peaceful transition to democratic reforms, President Barack Obama said today...
View ArticleRepublicans Cut Shirts from Budget for 02/12/2011
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — In an effort to show that they are serious about reducing the size of the federal deficit, a group of House Republicans announced today that they would totally...
View ArticleAhmadinejad Promises Democratic Reforms in Egypt for 02/19/2011
TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report) — In a dramatic address to pro-democracy protesters in Tehran, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad promised the people of Iran that there would soon be democratic...
View ArticleState Department Offers Support 'to Whoever Winds Up Winning' for 02/26/2011
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — As pro-democracy protests spread around the world, the U.S. State Department issued its strongest words to date about the situation, offering "to stand by whichever...
View ArticleUnemployment Rose Last Week by Two and a Half Men for 03/05/2011
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — The economic recovery received an unexpected jolt today as the Labor Department announced that unemployment increased last week by two and a half men. The 2.5 jobs...
View ArticleEtch A Sketch 2 Takes Gadget World by Storm for 03/12/2011
LONG BEACH, CA (The Borowitz Report) — A new combatant entered the so-called tablet war today, and it's already getting a big thumbs-up from gadget aficionados: the Etch A Sketch 2. The E2, as it's...
View ArticleAfraid To Watch the News, Millions Turn to Fox for 03/19/2011
Afraid To Watch the News, Millions Turn to Fox NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) — With unprecedented crises engulfing the world, millions of television viewers are finding the news too stressful to...
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